Tiger’s Advent Calendar
Tiger with the Infidelity Cup. The names of his mistresses are engraved at the bottom
I’m loving this new Tiger Woods advent calendar: every day you open a little window to reveal a new woman he’s had an affair with. No wonder he apologised for “Transgressions” – which it turns out is a nightclub in Barnsley he got drunk in (that’s in the window on December 14th. On the 25th we find out he spent a night with Wayne Rooney’s granny prostitute.)
Tiger’s fall from grace (Grace is on December 17th) is a gift to comedy of course (apparently Bernie Ecclestone only agreed to a British Grand Prix on condition that Tiger Woods takes part). There are so many puns in golf, so many serviceable incidents in the story – the car accident (“should have used a driver”), the angry wife attacking him (“aiming for his testicles and trying to make a hole-in-one”), the affairs (“The par for a golfer’s infidelities is 4, Tiger’s now 3 over”, not to mention the innuendo of 18 holes). The area’s as fertile as Tiger must hope his women are not.
And it’s that much more fertile because of the nature of the story. It’s a Shakespearean Fall. People like Tiger Woods are our new gods, our new kings. He set himself up as this clean-living family man (did he really? Or did he just try and keep his life private?) and now look how far he’s fallen! What hubris! The Sun is now linking his latest whatever-the-female-equivalent-of-beau is (belle?) to bondage films and the internet’s gossiping about “practices” – by which they don’t mean golf strokes. Excellent! The great and good and morally pure aren’t so great etc after all. Next you’ll be telling us that catholic priests interfere with children. We love it! It lets us off the hook for our own deceptions and affairs and minor traffic incidents with lamposts.
Twat
Someone once told me about a concept known as Paradise Syndrome – a sense of dissatisfaction you get if you’ve achieved everything you wanted to. OK, it’s not MS or leukemia, it’s hard to feel sorry for people who suffer from it. But it is definitely in many of our natures, celebrity or not, to want to screw things up for ourselves: look at Hugh Grant on Sunset Boulevard, George Michael in any number of public toilets. The only difference between us and the incredibly successful is that they get more opportunities to behave like twats.
There’s only one solution for people like Tiger Woods. We should introduce Random Morality Testing for all sportsmen and women (and that South African athlete who’s a bit of both). I have no doubt that if Tiger had known that at any point the governing body could check his urine for infidelity, he would never ever have cheated.
With thanks for gag inspiration to @Graeme_Stirling and @coopes64
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Fantastic work. You have gained a new fan. I hope you can keep up the good work and I eagerly await more of the excellent posts.
[...] I feel I should thank those who’ve provided the most jokes for me this year: Kanye West (I spent many happy hours starting Kanye tracks on my ipod then interrupting them. That showed him), Swine Flu (technically just a Mexican wave in virus form) and golf’s Tiger Woods, who’s discrediting meant that there’s now a chance for someone else to become the World No.1 adulterer. How glad I was that my website was up and running by then so I could make the most of his advent calendar, with a new mistress revealed every day during December (that gag and more here). [...]
I seriously don’t believe it. I hope Wayne is ok for the world cup!