Big Brother: crouching tiger, breaking wind…
Katia and Basshunter: will we have to call them Kunter?
WARNING, KIDS AND MY MUM. This blog contains moderate swearing and moderate ideas of an adult nature.
I’m surprised that people who hate Big Brother haven’t yet set up a campaign to have us spend several weeks watching the goings-on inside the Rage Against the Machine house.
I’m not one of those people. I love it. For many years I’ve defended it: it’s not dumbing down, some of the dialogue is worthy of Beckett, the situations worthy of Chekhov (the writer, not the bloke who steers the Starship Enterprise). Just look, for example, at Katia and Basshunter playing Fart Tennis (who can forget Gielgud and Olivier in the wonderful Fart Tennis scene in The Cherry Orchard?). OK, maybe not that. But other bits are dramatic and comedic gold.
For me, Basshunter is one of the two stars of the show so far. Here’s a man who wants to be a role model for teenage boys. Which I’m sure he is if you’re aspiring to masturbate 25 times in one day, as he confessed to doing (surely by the end of the day he’d just be ejaculating dust and some feathers). Maybe it was something to do with his Tourettes; maybe in a strange example of autosuggestion he would involuntarily shout “wank!” 25 times a day then feel he had to do as he’d said.
But do we really want our youngsters to subscribe to the theory that hairy arses muffle the farts or, whilst we’re on the subject, to find nothing more arousing than a woman farting (“I’ve got a hard-on”, the smooth-talker confessed when Katya first let rip)? No wonder he’s been nicknamed B. Asshunter – I just worry what he does once he’s hunted them down.
As for Katya, we’ve heard more from her arse than from her mouth. The former girlfriend of 174 year old Ronnie Wood – a man whose face is so wrinkly it looks like it’s made out of Heidi Fleiss’s lips – she’s clearly a woman who goes for looks. Still, romance is what we want in Big Brother, though if Kat and Basshunter get together, will we really have to call them Kunter?
Passive praying can damage your health.
Stephen Baldwin is the other star of the show. If you like your preachers with a touch of axe-man-standing-over-your-bed-in-the-middle-of-the-night, then Stephen’s your man. I actually thought about asking to go into the House this year (I’ve got the right level of inverted commas to apply to the word “celebrity”), but seeing him I’m glad I didn’t. It’s great he’s allowed to read his bible for an hour a day (Sisqo’s allowed to read the lyrics of the Thong Song for an hour a day), but I couldn’t bear the preaching. I’m sure Heidi, a woman who looks like she applies her lipstick with a lawnmower, will soon get him to practice what he preaches and crucify him. I can’t help thinking they should create a praying area in the garden, next to the smoking bench. No-one should have to inhale other people’s prayers.
It’ll be interesting to see how Stephen’s “platonic” crush on Stephanie Beacham develops. She disturbs me – there’s something vaguely Benjamin Button going on there. She’s 80 with the skin of a 21 year old farting ex-Rock’n'Roll WAG.
Other housemates are also available and there’s much to look forward to: Dane Bowers and Alex Reid (who only keeps his top on if the role really demands it) competing in a Katie Price Foreplay memory task and I’m sure we can expect a surprise visit from Nicola T’s husband, Mr.T. We might even find out where Lady Sovereign has buried Mel C whose face she’s clearly stolen.
Bring it on!
With thanks to @stanandollie for the pictures.
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8 Responses 
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David, you are a genius. I am enjoying your tweets.
I’m tempted to try that dust and feathers thing, very tempted. Great blog as ever David. I can only bring myself to write about The Krypton Factor, couldn’t possibly tear into this jewel in the crotch of British television.
@twentington´s last blog ..Dear Diary – Richard E Grant (BBC4, 3/1/2009)
Big Brother should start pumping subtle amounts of hallucinogenic gas into the house and gradually lower the ceilings.
It will make for a more interesting show. Im almost 100% certain of this..
Been following you on twitter, now found your Blog too. I haven’t watched BB for a few years but I used to be really into it. I’m loving this series. I think Lady Sov is more Essex than Chav, and she is drawn to Sisco because they are both tiny.
brilliant post david. enjoyed it immensely, mainly for the image of gielgud and olivier). kunter!
Sheer brilliance. You’ve made my day. Must say I have been enjoying this series (not any of the others) and you’ve inspired me to watch it all. Looking forward to hearing more.
I love it, just the right blog to enjoy the show with. Basshunter has surprised me, considering he makes the worst music I have ever heard, but in the house he is very likeable.
What a shame you didn’t go in!
I’m looking forward to the BB task whereby the celebrities are challenged to see how many pages of the bible they can rip out and stuff up Baldwins asshole.
MRKisThatKid´s last blog ..MRKisThatKid: I wish they would display an on screen warning before the Halifax radio advert comes on. My gag reflex is starting to ache.