Beaten black and blue and Brown.

Well, it’s good to see Downing Street move so quickly to dampen down the row about Gordon Brown stealing the Miliband’s lunch money and flushing Alistair Darling’s head in the toilet. First thing was their announcement of the construction of a naughty step at No.10, then came confirmation of an independent committee to look into bullying, to be chaired by Shilpa Shetty and a speccy fat kid who loves watching “Glee”.

Somehow it makes sense that Brown would lose it. And not just because he looks like one of Malfoy’s sidekicks in Harry Potter. But can we really blame him? You can’t tell someone they have to go on Piers Morgan’s show and then not expect them to punch you repeatedly in the face and groin. Is it really so shocking that our leader sometimes swears, or, as The Observer told us, hit the passenger seat in front of him so hard the protection officer “flinched” (which I suggest doesn’t make him  much of a protection

officer. Lets just hope Al Qaeda don’t make a crisp packet go bang near him or he’ll cry).

Of course, you wouldn’t find other world leaders behaving like that. It’s well-known that Vladimir Putin has the CD “Streams and Other Sounds of Nature” on loop in his office and only communicates with his staff through kisses and pot-pourri. No wonder the National Bullying Helpline stepped in, though it seems they’re now being cornered in the playground and given a wedgie by other bullying charities. Of course, I’m not saying the NBH are a Tory front but their definitions of bullying do include “Have you recently been threatened with having to clarify your dubious tax-evading residency status?”

The choice is clear for Brown. He can either TigerWoods it, apologise, bang on about how he forgot about his Buddhism and hopes to be back playing golf soon (he’ll have plenty of time after 6th May).

But I think Labour should go the other way. They should run with this and prescott him up: get a few people to throw eggs at him who he could punch, maybe make sure the pre-election leaders’ debates are done as cage-fights, etc.

So come on, Gordon, don’t give up! Come out fighting. Literally.

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