1And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD, and I tell you what, he be not bad-looking for a politician.
2And she again bare his brother Abel. And behold, this Abel was not quite so good-looking.
3And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain rose unto the cabinet, yea, even unto foreign secretary.
4And Abel, he did also rise unto the cabinet. Energy or something, who cares, it wasn’t very important. And they both did bring an offering unto the electorate.
5But unto their offerings and the offerings of their kin the electorate had not respect. And Cain and Abel were downcast, and their countenance fell.
6And the LORD (Mandelson) said unto Cain, Why art thou downcast?
7Stand ye for to lead thy kin and fear not if thou art a bit rubbish at the media and thou doth speak as slowly as Hal the computer in 2001 when he doth shut down, all shalt seem a miracle after the one who spoke of the bigot.
8And behold, Abel did also stand. And it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him. Though it did go to a second ballot.
9And the LORD (Mandelson) said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother’s keeper?
10Behold I have locked him into a cupboard in Westminster and shalt not grant him exit till he saith his Airfix toys be like unto that of a joey idiot, just like I did unto him when we were young.
11And all the time did the people go forth and make jokes about 10 Millibands making a Centiband, and the two brothers being known as Dedward, and the third brother whose name it was Steve Millerband.
With thanks for the pic to David Beresford
And to whoever did the Steve Millerband joke first on Twitter, for twasn’t me.