There’s no way round it. It looks certain that by the end of the day Sarkozy and Merkel will insist that Greece will have to leave Europe. A trillion dollar deal involving the IMF and the European bank will see Greece forcibly detached from the European mainland and towed out of the Mediterranean to be dumped somewhere off the coast of Africa.
Organisations such as Greenpeace and various West African nations are already protesting at the likely environmental damage caused by the inevitable dumping in the Atlantic of millions of broken plates from weddings and tourist tavernas, but it looks almost certain that the expulsion of Greece will now take place. It’s rumoured that Aardman’s Nick Park has also been approached to gather up the Greek islands and mould them into a massive statue of Angela Merkel’s face. This will be placed just outside the straits of Gibraltar to deter wrong-doers and pirates.
European leaders have little sympathy with the Greeks, pointing out that if they actually reused their plates like everyone else they would never have got into this mess, while many economists see the cause of the likely Greek default in the constant bearing of gifts (oh how we thank the Lord of Comedy for providing us with so many Greek cliches to exploit). And there’s even less sympathy for the Greek prime minister after he singlehandedly brought the rest of the world’s economy to the brink of collapse in the past couple of days. With his only previous claim to fame being that his name made the perfect substitute for Falco’s catchy 80s tribute to Mozart (“Papandreou, Papandreou. Come and rock me, Papandreou”), the Greek prime minister, who recently celebrated his 112th birthday, shocked the whole world with his decision to hold a referendum on the bail-out deal. Surely this was a failure of cultural understanding on the whole world’s part though. As anyone who’s ever attended a Greek wedding will know, traditionally, before the bride says “I do”, she holds a nationwide referendum to see if she should. Only then do the Germans pin money onto her dress.
Enormous pressure has been put on Prime Minister Amadeus over the referendum and he’s finally backed down. Even his compromise deal was rejected, whereby the referendum would still go ahead but using the question: “Are you seriously mad enough to want total meltdown in the world’s economy forcing everyone to carry their life savings around in a wheelbarrow, you nutter?” with the supplementary question “Should we switch to the alternative voting system?”. Now it’s hoped that at least the bail-out deal can go ahead, though there are severe worries about Italy, with Berlusconi (“Berlusconi, Berlusconi. Come and Rock Me Berlusconi”) also contemplating a referendum on whether blondes or brunettes are hotter.
With a huge rise expected in this quarter’s Couldn’t Give a Toss The Greeks Have Lost Their Jobs and Pensions figures, European leaders are expected to make Greece pay a heavy long-term price for the damage wrought on the global economy. With the G20 officially amending the saying to “beware of Greeks taking gifts”, it looks like the way has been left clear for one last humiliation for Papandreou and his people as the EU enters final negotiations for the European community to be joined by Troy.