I’d have more sympathy for Eurosceptics if they had a more positive-sounding name, something like WorldBankingSystemCollapsophiles. You have to admire their determination that the important thing now is to be able to decide for ourselves how straight our bananas are (insert own euromyth here), even if the ensuing financial collapse means we have to pay for those bananas using a barter system (1 banana = 3 shiny pebbles and my sister doing a dance for you).So off to Brussels Cameron goes, with the Tory right asking him to show some “bulldog spirit”, which I presume means returning with a deal which guarantees us 20 millions tons of Chum and a squeaky cat toy for every citizen. And note I say “tons” not “tonnes” – it’s that sort of thing that’s vital to British interests even if a Euro collapse means we have to cover the whole of East Anglia with a giant piece of cardboard saying “Hungry and Homeless”. In Chinese.
Still, it looks like Cameron’s won the day at the summit thanks to a Boris Johnson-inspired threat to dump 2000 bendy buses on Calais. He’ll be heading back home having made absolutely sure that no further financial regulations are imposed on the City of London. Phew! I was worried, because lack of regulation of the City has been such a spectacular success in the past. He’s also made sure that Britain will keep its rightful place firmly on the sidelines, arms folded, refusing to do anything at all, in keeping with advice from his new economic adviser, Carlos Tevez. Plus – and here is his greatest triumph – he’s pledged to set up the No European Regulation Organisation or NERO, whose job will be to fiddle while Europe burns.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a referendum, as long as the question is “Are you really such a steaming idiot that you’d seriously want to take our economy on the financial equivalent of a dignitas trip to Switzerland by playing the Little Englander/Scotlander/Northern Irelander/Waleser when really we should be trying to avoid Eurogeddon and sort out this mess together with our biggest trading partner which if you didn’t know is the EU you doofus?” For me, it’s clear. It doesn’t matter how rich you are, the consequences of not being in Europe can be a devastating blow. Just ask Manchester City.