Twitter Hall of Fame
Some recommendations of people to follow, followed by some of my old tweets.
ESSENTIALS
@Serafinowicz - sold his soul to devil in exchange for 140 character or less uber-funnies. It’s the only explanation.
@Glinner – the king of the part of Twitter where I live. Funnies and informatives.
@caitlinmoran – the queen. Mirth, pleasantness and wit. Sounds like the perfect legal firm.
@secrettweet – the whole of life in one Twitter timeline
@jeremylimb – quirkmeister
@DotWinter – quirkmeistress
DEEPER CUTS
@SaliWho @TheFagCasanova- lives dedicated to internet funny
@MrsStephenFry – every bit as good as her man
@MandyPandy32 – Queen of hashtaggery and related funnies
@Scriblit - Hashtag princess
@big_ben_clock – limited repertoire but if it ain’t broke…
@FakeAPStylebook – v funny
@GaryDelaney – one liner maestro
@EnemyofChaos – funny lady geek
@tremendousnews – ranting Twitter obsessive
@ChicaLolita – pans for netgold
@rhodri – interesting, funny, techy
COMEDY MUST-HAVES – just a few of so many professional funnyers on Twitter:
@quantick, @danielmaier, @mrchrisaddison, @mrdavehill, @charltonbrooker, @kevcecil, @AIannucci, @RebeccaFront, @Jason_Manford, @marcusbrig, @MKupperman, @realrossnoble, @IanMartin, @DanRebellato, @davegorman, @simonblackwell, @TracyAnnO, @YouRuddyGuys, @monstroso, @Herring1967 @ratbanjos
TWITCOMS If you like people who tweet a lot and amusingly:
The girls’ sitcom: @EmmaK67 @gracedent @salihughes @tonygardner (who’s not a girl but appears regularly in their sitcom)
The boys’ sitcom: @iamjamesward @themanwhofell
CLEVERS
@alaindebotton @paulocoehlo @bengoldacre
So that’s them. And now behold the Ghost of Twittmas Past. Some of my old tweets. WARNING: Do not read more than a few of these at a time. They are high in artificial sweeteners and e-numbers (comedee-numbers?) and you will feel ill. Just dip in, sample a few and get the hell out.
Bored? Imagine what you’re doing is from 1st 5 minutes of Casualty and play What Serious Injury’s About To Take Place
11pm tonight. Waterloo underpass. Gangfight: cast of Les Miz vs La Cage Aux Folles (West Side Story rules apply)
Just been hearing about a school so rough it’s got a sign outside saying “No more than 2 schoolchildren at a time”
Silly me! I wanted to decide which meerkat to buy and went on comparethemarket.com! What am I like?
I’m in ikea. Which I presume is a kea made by Apple.
Is it acceptable when having sex with mad anatomist Gunther von Hagens to ask if you can keep your skin on?
Blood tests results come back. I’m A-. But apparently everyone gets an A nowadays so it’s fairly meaningless.
UK for Dummies: There are 2 Browns. Derren and Gordon. One gets everything right, the other gets everything wrong
Jay-Z and Beyonce aren’t getting on. That’s his 100th problem. Please amend accordingly.
Screenwriting tips I’ve learnt today. Don’t write “Dawn breaks through the window”. They’ll think it’s a new character.
Facebook suggestions are so pushy: “Reconnect with him”, “Send her a message”. I already have one Jewish mother, thanks.
It’s great that Obama’s won the Nobel peace prize but my mate Kanye reckons it should’ve gone to Beyonce.
Is it possible to “dress someone with your eyes”?
Finally! Someone mentioned Youssou N’Dour’s wife and I was able to say is her name: Her N’Dours?
Friend just said he’s too old for MILFs. Does he have to graduate to GILFs? Or maybe just MILs
Just been told it’s “Gmail” not “googlemail”. Next they’ll be telling me I can’t call it the “google-spot”.
Nick Griffin Question Time viewing figures 8 million?! That’s nonsense. Can’t be more than about 50,000 #viewingfiguresdenial
Ashley Cole divorce. Cheryl to give evidence by lipsynching to a statement backing track. Ashley will text his in.
Not sure how I’d feel if they make a film of my life and people are told it “contains moderate sex”.
Back from the theatre. That Shakespeare – always giving it the big I Ambic pentameter.
Monopoly rules updated to allow banker to pay themselves £20,000 bonus each turn.
My 1st pet was called David and 1st street I lived in was Schneiderstrasse. So my porn name’s David Schneider. Disappointing.
Spies. Why not hide messages you don’t want others to read as the Terms and Conditions of anything on the internet.
Surely if homeopathy works the NHS could give it a very small sum, say £2, and that should trigger it to fund itself.
I know my celeb status has dwindled but after 15 yrs to be dropped from switching on the Xmas lights in my own home…
Good person: sent a cheque to Amnesty for the Congo. Bad person: caught myself humming the Um-bongo tune as I did it
Political measurements: there are 10 David Millibands to the centiband
Still get notifications re someone posting on MySpace. It’s like those Japanese soldiers who didn’t know the war was over.
I’d hate to be married to the person who does the Previously’s on TV programmes. They’d be so infuriating in an argument.
Man on tube: Saw u on TV when I was in jail. Me: Oh? Hope you weren’t in for murder. (Silence)WHY DID I SAY THAT! #FAIL!
Trying to cope with Big Brother withdrawal by watching people in their houses then trying to evict one of them. It could end badly…
Bit intimidated by Google Wave. It took me 3 years to master the Mexican one.
Yes, the recession is definitely ending. I just saw a tiny Woolworths Pick’n'mix growing in the ground.
Philosophically it’s impossible to stumble on an episode of Friends you’ve not seen before.
I far prefer Machine’s early work with Rage over what he’s now doing with Florence.
How frustrating it must be emailing people if you work in the Viagra department of Pfizer or for a Nigerian bank.
Something’s wrong with my bicycle. Maybe I should turn it off then on again.
I’m promiscuous yet slightly OCD. I only sleep around on the right side of the bed.
I’ve just literally swallowed a fly. Do I really have to now go thru that whole medical palaver right up to the horse?
Enjoyed The Elephant Man on TV last night. Trying to develop appropriate emoticons for him eg smiley face = ‘^/.~
I wonder if there’s a Luddite.com website #hypocrisywatch
It’s bad enough when a man my age says “Cool”. But when he says, as I just did, “Coolio Iglesias”. Euthenasia awaits.
Is it racist to presume that all the American airport Full Body Screenings will be on IMAX?
Just put “thesaurus” into my thesaurus. I must get out more….
If you think an emotional rollercoaster is bad you should try the emotional waltzer.
Why don’t Formula 1 just give up and allow all forms of cheating? Haven’t they seen Wacky Races? It was brilliant.
Agh! Daughter’s been meeting public school boys after school. I told her they’re only after one thing: ten A*s at GCSE
The L from JLS used to be in 80s rave outfit KLF. K and F later found success as part of a fried chicken franchise.
I feel my new morning challenge of seeing if I can gargle Listerine for the full length of my morning wee could catch on.
Doctors. Make your prognosis sound more exciting with reality TV pauses: “the outlook for your mother is………..good”
What does Elton John actually do all day?
Manbag – yes; moobs – yes; but don’t ever do what I nearly did and make a trendy one-word expression for a man-thong
I guess the sequel Groundhog Day 2 was exactly the same as the first film.
Someone PLEASE explain to my mum that leaving a teabag in for a long time is not called a “good teabagging” #backtotherapy
I think the government should appoint a spelling tsar to decide if it’s tsar or czar.
Remind me never to have sex with the voiceover guy from Come Dine With Me. I couldn’t stand the sarky comments.
I know my celeb status has dwindled but after 15 years to be dropped from switching on the Xmas lights in my own home…
Bathtime. Dull. In my life I must have wasted 4 months bathing, 5 weeks cleaning my teeth, 50 minutes having sex…
I hate how people say we Jews are obsessed with money. I tell you if I had a pound for every time I heard that…
Nightmare. Laptop’s got a virus. Dunno how but suspect that Google StreetView visit to Bangkok may be to blame.
The Tories are definitely more in touch with ordinary people now. Love the lifting of VAT on cummerbunds
Transfer window closed. Highlights: Ronaldo (Man U – Real Madrid) Adebayor (Arsenal -Man City) Megrahi (Scotland -Libya)
Please don’t be shocked by Ross Kemp’s 3-book deal. He’s agreed to read 3 books, not write them.
Running in marathon today. Hope the stewards aren’t confused by my full body and head elite Kenyan athlete costume
Wish that Noreply bloke would stop changing his email address.
#philosophypop: The tractatus logico-philosophicus of my tears.
Feel sorry for the No.2 Ladies’ Detective Agency. No-one really cares…
Sarcasm finally loses lowest-form-of-wit crown to Pretending to Speak like a Mentally Handicapped Person.
Can’t we decide the election by Bring On The Wall?
In the Ibis hotel in Leeds. I think I’m getting funny looks from the staff because I’m not meeting anyone to have an affair.
Help me out. Is it embarassing to have your dad act out the video of Single Ladies in front of you? Surely not when he nails every move
BNP people. Please reassess your position on asylum seekers. Some of them are actually quite hot.
Just met bloke from my primary school. He’s a lawyer but to me he’ll always be the boy who literally put the poo in pool
It may sound weird NASA bombing the moon but if it’s the only way to bring about regime change I say go for it
Are centaurs hung like a horse?
I guess the sequel Groundhog Day 2 was exactly the same as the first film.
1st trip to Globe Theatre. Amazing to think I’m in the actual place where they filmed that episode of Dr Who
Police. Improve your image by changing Stop and Search to Stop and Search and a Kinder egg.
#unseenprequels Triassic Park
Wonder if “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” were Nietzsche’s last words
Is fecund the rudest sounding word in the English language that isn’t actually rude?
Saw the new Harry Potter. They’re certainly growing up. Loved the magic circle-jerk scene
Cat’s done a poo on an RSPCA leaflet. I’m unable to do anything else till I’ve worked out what it’s trying to tell me
I’d never divorce. I’d be too worried I’d get into that whole dangerous Henry VIII divorced-beheaded-die mindset
Am I wrong in thinking that anyone who says “chillax” is a bit of a twanker?
Just been rung up by someone asking if I’m happy with my Virgin package. Told him actually I have 2 kids. How we laughed.
In a philosophical mood. Wondering if my life is actually a decades-long episode of Beauty and the Geek.
Shakira would be a disappointing dinner party guest. She’d do that pelvic spinny thing and then what? Nothing.
Woke up wondering whether they have hilarious stacking accidents in Jenga factories. Oh dear.
It’s a tribute to just how shallow I am that I get a real thrill when an application tells me my password is strong.
Transport and other infrastructure in the Arctic collapses as they suffer a spell of British weather.
Teenage daughter brought a boy home. I gave him a “hip” gangsta handshake and used the word “dude”. Why? WHY?!
Excited. The next series of Life on Mars/Ashes to Ashes is going to be set in Myspace. It’s going to be sooo nostalgic
Schools have only just started again and already WHSmith’s put up “Back to Holidays” posters. Cruel.
Ta for advice re if I’m too old to remove shirt whilst cycling. In the end I took the shirt off but kept my bra on.
Just met some very pushy parents. The sort that make their kids stay in and revise for a chlamydia test.
Being told my train will divide in two at the next stop. Just hope it doesn’t do it lengthways.
Think you’re good at ffwd’ing the ads at x32 then stopping for the programme? I’ll take you all on.
Can’t find my ipod again. I’ll say one thing for the old days: it was so much harder to mislay one’s phonograph
Bignosed man just winked at me. Dunno if he knew me from TV or if he’s saying time for us to rise up against the smallnosed
I guess that if I say I’m “with it” it sort of proves I’m not.
I’ve said yes to a radio script without reading it first. I hope there’s no nudity involved…
The Dimblebys. Jonathan and David. Javid. #bbcqt
Friday 13th is the one day of the year when women are allowed to propose to demons.
Ladies. I’ll have you know that manflu is viewed as a virulent, scary disease amongst swine.
Surely Jews will be immune to Swine Flu. Come on pigs – we don’t go for you, so you shouldn’t go for us…
40somethings. Do you still hum the theme to 6 Million Dollar Man if you have to run somewhere? No? Just me?
A few people write their mobile no as 0777 1234567 instead of 07777 123456. I say get the 4-figure-prefixed bastards.
This is true. Post-holiday am waiting on a film pitch and have 99 unread emails. Got 99 emails but the pitch ain’t one
What’s the can-you-repeat cut-off with a shopkeeper you can’t understand b4 you appear racist? Twice? 3 times? Agony!
Didn’t know Betamax brought out a Twitter 2 years ago with 143 characters. Lost a fortune. They just can’t get it right.
Putting together a “Previously on Twitter” montage tweet for anyone who’s just joined us. It’s proving a challenge.
Ironically the Chinese diplomat who protested to the US about the Dalai Lama/Obama meet was called Yes Wee Kan #dodgyjoke
Peri-menopausal women. You can get a great deal at Nandos if you’re Peri-Peri-menopausal.
Kept up all night by 2 snowmen mating. They’re worse than foxes. Jeez!
No!!! Friends want to call their baby Giselle. Nice enough name but what about when people shorten it! Nooo!!!…
So MJ’s daughter said he was the best Dad in the world. My 2 girls say I am. Someone’s not telling the truth here…
Do men have wiles or are they just womanly?
Now know if you feed a man of 46 5 bites of Sag Aloo after 10pm he won’t sleep. It’s like a crap early draft of Gremlins
I don’t have insomnia. I just like getting up to try and catch Woody and the rest of the gang from Toy Story
Swine flu: technically it’s a Mexican wave in virus form.
I’m in my hotel room, tweeting. Truly, Twitter is the new porn.
As a boy I’d a dodgy uncle who visited once a year and taught me “Judo holds”. Now I get visited by hay fever. I miss that uncle.
Just let online man at Geek Squad remotely take over my laptop and mouse. Felt good at the time but now I feel used
Holidaytime so no tweeting. Be good, play safe and always wear a condom. Nothing to do with sex it just looks good on u
Men. Bored of struggling to get a condom on effortlessly? Simply cut the top of it off. It goes on so much easier
Going to pay some attention to my family. They come in useful if twitter crashes.
Just received a fundraising email about a “sauna-cum-health club”. Are we all comfortable with that?
Biting satire: decided not to vote BNP despite the lovely sew-on yellow star they sent me. (Yes! Take that!)
Asterisk. *So* proud of you. Years ago you just did footnotes now you’re everywhere. You got a new agent? *claps*.
Angelina. Please now go out with Tom Thumb so you can be Thumbelina. It may impact on your sex life tho.
with the sad passing of Michael Jackson the mantle of King of Pop inevitably passes to Stavros Flatley.
One advantage of having a big nose is that press-ups are about an inch easier than for the average person
Saddened to hear of the death of Ali Bongo. Sincere condolences to all the Bongos.
learnt on hols: weeing on a jelly fish sting neutralises the pain, but always ask permission first.
Considering Twitter’s full of men who use the internet I’m amazed how rarely you read “off for a wank”. Or am I following the wrong people?
Nowhere in my recipe for Sag Aloo did it say “blood of Jew”. Still, my chopping skills are such that’s what they’re getting.
Written scene where the hero’s having sex in a wood with Lindsay Lohan and his mum turns up. Well, they wanted Ice Age 4 to be different…
JUST BEEN IN A VOICEOVER BOOTH MINUTES AFTER BRIAN BLESSED. APOLOGIES IF AS A RESULT I’M SOUNDING A BIT LOUD .
when did my work/life balance become a work/life/twitter balance?
just to clarify those are my keys in my pocket but I’m still pleased to see you (don’t know where else to put them)
Just measured head circumference for a job. 22″. Tho it’s not size that counts it’s how u use it
I know it’s a standup cliche but these early Back to School ads are cruel. Did they put up Back to War posters in 1932?
Happy New Year Jews! PS lets keep hold of the media.Look what happened last year when we let go of international finance
Copenhagen enviroment summit: suspect the Americans will agree to cut back on emissions by not going to any more summits
In Japan the “Twitter Over Capacity” whale icon is being harpooned by those little birds.
To Sheffield to get stepson’s stuff from uni. Writing that makes me feel as old as Yoda. Who had a stepson at Hull.
Loving Modern Warfare 2. So realistic: the lack of equipment, total absence of political leadership. Love it! #satire
I’d be in real trouble if it turns out that the only way you get into heaven is if you can spell “haemoragghing”
Daughter just described Jamie Lee Curtis as “that old woman from Freaky Friday”. May have to take rest of week off.
If I were leaves I’d stay on the trees this autumn, just to freak people out.
Tonight, when everyone on LinkedIn is asleep, lets all us Tweeters go round there and really mess the place up, yeah?
Bloke overheard in pub: the financial crisis is so bad even my wankbank needs bailing out…
Who won Children in Need? I went to bed halfway through.
I do worry how Romulus and Remus must have felt if a website ever asked them for their mother’s maiden name.
I think my daughter may have been nobbled by antisemites. She just told me I always smell of coins.
Illness. If my life were a movie, right now is the scene where I run across a beach in slowmo towards a packet of Lemsip
if your own mum says she’s cockhanded instead of cackhanded do u correct her? Don’t think I can afford that much therapy
someone’s organising a gig for people with bipolar disorder. If ever there was a gig that could go either way…
Sometimes I think I’m a bad parent but I am technically half-Austrian so seen like that I’m doing ok
Just got back from walk past a stream. I saw some ducklings. One of them was dead ugly. Gave me an idea for a story.
I don’t believe it! Why is my 2-month old kettle already broken? It cost me £1.99, that!
liking new mattress that shapes itself to the body. Not sleeping better but I’ve made the Nile Delta, the Olympic torch and an ostrich.
A pinch and a punch, and social services are called out. It’s PC gone mad. Happy Dec 1st.
Is there a “double-take” emoticon. I miss that when writing. Not sure I’m happy with ::))
would 9.5 Weeks be a very different film from 9 1/2 Weeks. Oooh. Sexy Maths.
Just bumped into MC Hammer and asked him the time. Disappointingly he said 6.36.
#disturbingthoughts I wonder if Santa is circumcised.
Turkeys fleeing America for Thanksgiving! Come to the UK! We’ll grant you asylum. You’ll be safe here. (Mwahaha)
Sometimes feel signing off to males with an x is a bit like a playful e-squeeze of the balls, but how else to end? Dx
Never mind waterboarding, I can’t even last 5 seconds gargling with Listerine.
Ever been so tired you’re too tired to go to bed. It’s like lapping yourself
Birthday today. Agh. Decided I’m not 46, I’m actually two 23 year olds, one of whom’s called Jessica.
Those tins of chopped tomato. They really act like that they’re it, like we just can’t cope without them. (Just me?)
Off to Edinburgh on holiday. Burglars don’t get excited. MacCaulay Culkin is looking after our house.
Bad night sleep. On phone to God to complain and tho “my call is important” all I get is hold music. Bloody archangels
Teenage daughter thinks she has swine flu. She has no symptoms but her room’s a complete pigsty so you never know.
Just had to go on Friends Reunited. It was all black and white and everyone was friendly and left their front doors open
Shakira would be a disappointing dinner party guest. She’d do that pelvic spinny thing and then what? Nothing.
Hartlestone Palmer Krieger Conway and Bickerstaff Solicitors are very keen to sponsor all my tweets but to be honest I don’t think it’ll wor
Men, help me out. What sort of crazy person tidies and puts the DVD remote NEXT to the DVD player. How was I meant to find it there?
Daughter just saw sign for “Fishmonger”. Asked how you mong fish. – I’m getting the hell out of here…
My wierdest date (true story) – with a sword swallower. Spent whole evening trying not to say “do you swallow”? Failed.
Found Entertaining Mr Sloane script from when I was 20. In the margin: “Don’t overact. Eyebrows still”. Advice which still holds today.
After years of service See What I Did There is retiring from my vocabulary. It’s place’s been taken by What’s Not To Like
Slight accent mix-up. Thought producer talking re a “flirtation tank”. Interesting tho. May work on some designs…
Can you believe the old upside down writing on a calculator still impresses the kids? To my kids I’m Derren Brown
Bored doing Tesco shop online. Why can’t they have playlists like Spotify then I could order Pauline Quirk’s or Adamski’s
Ta for female starkbollock nakeds. Top-bollock naked, no-bollock naked work for me. Stark clitty naked also appeals. As a phrase I mean.
English language. Sort out the crutch/crotch, incest/incense thing. I keep getting them wrong. The legal bills are killing
Shocked to hear about Miss California’s nude pics. It’s totally inappropriate, disgraceful and does anyone have the link
Not saying my kids are middle class but Nandos in Islington ran out of chips so served halloumi and they didn’t complain
4 Responses 
Leave a Reply
Awesome list… Keep up the good tweets people!
I haven’t laughed so much since I read a few quotes from Tim Vine….. Genuinely enjoyed reading them all.
Absolutley brillant. Such a great read!
I am currently reading it on my Blackberry and will scan it once I get home. I love your site and marketing strategy. Check out my website if you get a chance, just click on name. (I don’t want to leave a link, it looks too spammy)