Twitter Hall of Fame

Some recommendations of people to follow, followed by a whole huge long list of some of my old tweets.

@Serafinowicz – sold his soul to devil in exchange for 140 character or less uber-funnies. It’s the only explanation.
@Glinner – the king of the part of Twitter where I live. Funnies and informatives.
@caitlinmoran – the queen. Mirth, pleasantness and wit. Sounds like the perfect legal firm.

@RogerQuimbly, funny guy fullstop.
@Dotwinter– quirkmeister and mistress
– funny mummy
@DanRebellato, @ratbanjos, @danielmaier,  there be funny
– dedicated to internet funny
@mrdavehill @SteveMartintoGo Funny Americans
– one liner maestro
@robinbogg, @DomDoze, @MooseAllain, @jacques_aih, @comedyfish, @stephencgrant, @thesimonevans, – the funny men’s group
@somegreybloke – I like
– as funny as Cheryl Cole isn’t

– every bit as good as her man
@FakeAPStylebook – amuses
@ChicaLolita – pans for netgold
@rhodri – interesting, funny, techy

COMEDY MUST-HAVES – a few not-to-be-missed professional funnyers on Twitter:
@mrchrisaddison, @charltonbrooker, @kevcecil, @AIannucci, @RebeccaFront,   @MKupperman, @mattleys, @realrossnoble, @IanMartin, @davegorman, @simonblackwell, @TracyAnnO @YouRuddyGuys, @monstroso, @AndyRileyish, @Herring1967

TWITCOMS If you like people who tweet a lot and amusingly:
The girls’ sitcom: @EmmaK67 @gracedent @salihughes @tonygardner (who’s not a girl but appears regularly in their sitcom)
The boys’ sitcom: @iamjamesward @themanwhofell

@paulocoehlo @bengoldacre

So that’s them. And now behold the Ghost of Twittmas Past. Some of my old tweets. WARNING: Do not read more than a few of these at a time. They are high in artificial sweeteners and e-numbers (comedee-numbers?) and you will feel ill. Just dip in, sample a few and get the hell out.

Bored? Imagine what you’re doing is from 1st 5 minutes of Casualty and play What Serious Injury’s About To Take Place

11pm tonight. Waterloo underpass. Gangfight: cast of Les Miz vs La Cage Aux Folles (West Side Story rules apply)

Just been hearing about a school so rough it’s got a sign outside saying “No more than 2 schoolchildren at a time”

Keep your friends close and your enemies on Myspace.

Silly me! I wanted to decide which meerkat to buy and went on! What am I like?

I’m in ikea. Which I presume is a kea made by Apple.

Is it acceptable when having sex with mad anatomist Gunther von Hagens to ask if you can keep your skin on?

“Party like a rock star, look like a movie star, kill like the Death Star, collapse in on yourself like a dwarf star”

Naturist leader describes claims they have no way to show respect for Remembrance Day as poppycock.

In pre-war Weimar Germany, inflation was so bad that at one point the Twitter character limit reached nearly 55 million.

Blood tests results come back. I’m A-. But apparently everyone gets an A nowadays so it’s fairly meaningless.

UK for Dummies: There are 2 Browns. Derren and Gordon. One gets everything right, the other gets everything wrong

Just saw Tom from MySpace slumped on a park bench holding a can of Tennents, with sick down his front. Kinda sad.

Love the story re England v Germany on Xmas day when there was a break in the footie and the teams shot at each other.

Jay-Z and Beyonce aren’t getting on. That’s his 100th problem. Please amend accordingly.

Screenwriting tips I’ve learnt today. Don’t write “Dawn breaks through the window”. They’ll think it’s a new character.

Facebook suggestions are so pushy: “Reconnect with him”, “Send her a message”. I already have one Jewish mother, thanks.

Government plans to reduce the number of the beast to 555 by 2015.

Someone just ended a text to me with ;( What does that mean? Unless, God forbid, they’ve had a stroke.

Is it possible to “dress someone with your eyes”?

Finally! Someone mentioned Youssou N’Dour’s wife and I was able to say is her name: Her N’Dours?

I reckon that between about 1985 and 2009 Journey probably did stop believing.

Right. N’night. I’m off to bedward. Which is what I call the twins I sleep with, Ben and Edward.

Friend just said he’s too old for MILFs. Does he have to graduate to GILFs? Or maybe just MILs.

When a whale can’t cope with what it has to do, little birds come along and show it a picture of all of us on Twitter.

Just been told it’s “Gmail” not “googlemail”. Next they’ll be telling me I can’t call it the “google-spot”.

With all the technology available now you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.

It’s raining, men.

Nick Griffin Question Time viewing figures 8 million?! That’s nonsense. Can’t be more than about 50,000 #viewingfiguresdenial

Brevity is the very soul and heart and mind and the essence of wit.

Language fact of the day. “Laugh” actually stands for “Lol At U, Going Haha”.

Not sure how I’d feel if they make a film of my life and people are told it “contains moderate sex”.

Dear daughter. If a comedian has ***** GUARDIAN on his poster it doesn’t mean “f**king GUARDIAN”. This doesn’t apply to the Daily Mail.

Back from the theatre. That Shakespeare – always giving it the big I Ambic pentameter.

Monopoly rules updated to allow banker to pay themselves £20,000 bonus each turn.

My 1st pet was called David and 1st street I lived in was Schneiderstrasse. So my porn name’s David Schneider. Disappointing.

Spies. Why not hide messages you don’t want others to read as the Terms and Conditions of anything on the internet.

Just realised saying “It’s my default setting” has become my default setting. Must stop immediately.

Why doesn’t someone invent Web 3.0? They’d make a fortune.

Male porn stars. Hope you remembered to put your cock forwards.

Surely if homeopathy works the NHS could give it a very small sum, say £2, and that should trigger it to fund itself.

If I get shown to a VIP area, I say I’m an IP at best, ask for the IP area and joke about the IP address. It never gets a laugh

I know my celeb status has dwindled but after 15 yrs to be dropped from switching on the Xmas lights in my own home…

Good person: sent a cheque to Amnesty for the Congo. Bad person: caught myself humming the Um-bongo tune as I did it

Political measurements: there are 10 David Millibands to the centiband.

Now they’re saying there’s cloned beef waste products in the food chain. That’s bullshit.

Still get notifications re someone posting on MySpace. It’s like those Japanese soldiers who didn’t know the war was over.

I’d hate to be married to the person who does the Previously’s on TV programmes. They’d be so infuriating in an argument.

I guess in the Wild West it wasn’t such a bad thing to be a cowboy builder.

Cool people like me know that the Mercury prize winning band The xx is actually pronounced The twenty

If a fortune teller was any good, wouldn’t they have “SPOILER ALERT” on the door before you went in?

Man on tube: Saw u on TV when I was in jail. Me: Oh? Hope you weren’t in for murder. (Silence)WHY DID I SAY THAT! #FAIL!

Trying to cope with Big Brother withdrawal by watching people in their houses then trying to evict one of them. It could end badly…

Bit intimidated by Google Wave. It took me 3 years to master the Mexican one.

Shame Scooby Doo never did an episode in a football club where the villain turned out to be the caretaker manager.

Last night I dreamt I’d invented a new mathematical sequence, the George Lucas sequence: 4…5…6…1…2…3

Not saying it’s hard finding your way from the Piccadilly to the Northern line at Kings X but I swear I just saw a minotaur down there

Yes, the recession is definitely ending. I just saw a tiny Woolworths Pick’n’mix growing in the ground.

Philosophically it’s impossible to stumble on an episode of Friends you’ve not seen before.

I far prefer Machine’s early work with Rage over what he’s now doing with Florence.

Ironically, for many years Derren Brown’s mind has been completely controlled by Paul McKenna

Went to Minor Celebrities drinks do last night. Swine Flu was there. How the mighty have fallen…

How frustrating it must be emailing people if you work in the Viagra department of Pfizer or for a Nigerian bank.

What would really freak me is if I saw @God in my Who To Follow thing on Twitter with a validated blue tick.

Dear girls at my daughter’s school. “Period features” refers to a nice fireplace or a ceiling rose. It’s not an insult.

If I get shown to a VIP area, I say I’m an IP at best, ask for the IP area and joke about the IP address. It never gets a laugh

I’m going to audition for #xfactor under the name Yougot Threeyeses. I just think it could be fun.

Is there a sort of March Of The Penguins documentary thing about where Ice Cream Vans go for winter?

Oy! Nightmares! I don’t mind near-death, exams, nakedness, even the sex with Eamonn Holmes but iphone not working? Out of order.

Something’s wrong with my bicycle. Maybe I should turn it off then on again.

I’m promiscuous yet slightly OCD. I only sleep around on the right side of the bed.

Lets not let Joe McEldery steal the limelight. Join my Facebook group to make Rage Against the Machine come out as gay.

Does anyone know if the drinks are still free at Club Tropicana?

I’ve just literally swallowed a fly. Do I really have to now go thru that whole medical palaver right up to the horse?

Enjoyed The Elephant Man on TV last night. Trying to develop appropriate emoticons for him eg smiley face = ‘^/.~

I wonder if there’s a website #hypocrisywatch

It’s bad enough when a man my age says “Cool”. But when he says, as I just did, “Coolio Iglesias”. Euthenasia awaits.

A pinch and a punch, nothing actually rhymes with month.

Good to see the form for a new passport is moving with the times and now has Married/Single/It’s Complicated

Is it racist to presume that all the American airport Full Body Screenings will be on IMAX?

Just put “thesaurus” into my thesaurus. I must get out more….

If you think an emotional rollercoaster is bad you should try the emotional waltzer.

It’s lucky life doesn’t have bandwidth or at peak times we’d all have to speak slowly.

Why don’t Formula 1 just give up and allow all forms of cheating? Haven’t they seen Wacky Races? It was brilliant.

Ever since I said I didn’t believe in karma bad things keep happening to me.

Agh! Daughter’s been meeting public school boys after school. I told her they’re only after one thing: ten A*s at GCSE

I wonder if zookeepers ever talk about the elephant in the room.

The L from JLS used to be in 80s rave outfit KLF. K and F later found success as part of a fried chicken franchise.

I feel my new morning challenge of seeing if I can gargle Listerine for the full length of my morning wee could catch on.

Doctors. Make your prognosis sound more exciting with reality TV pauses: “the outlook for your mother is………..good”

What does Elton John actually do all day?

Cycling home along the canal. It’s dark. Hoping I don’t meet someone who puts the “anal rape” into my “canal traipse”.

No, dear daughter, the opposite of “serious fraud” is not “hilarious fraud”.

I’ve been to Me but I’ve never been to Paradise. Why do I always do things the wrong way round?

Manbag – yes; moobs – yes; but don’t ever do what I nearly did and make a trendy one-word expression for a man-thong.

If horses every find out what twats they look when made to trot we’re really in trouble.

Wow! – Scientist breaks down Evil Laugh into equal parts Kiss and Recognition using the formula: mwah + aha = mwahaha.

I guess the sequel Groundhog Day 2 was exactly the same as the first film.

Virgins. Try to lose your virginity to someone from Nando’s so you can laugh when they say “is this your 1st time”.

The 2010 list of most popular first names for amplifier plugs is out. Top of the list, yet again, is Jack.

Apple announces it’s to branch out into world religions with the i-Slam

Someone PLEASE explain to my mum that leaving a teabag in for a long time is not called a “good teabagging” #backtotherapy

I think the government should appoint a spelling tsar to decide if it’s tsar or czar.

There are 2 types of men. Real men and men who find themselves singing “I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me”. I’m category 2.

Remind me never to have sex with the voiceover guy from Come Dine With Me. I couldn’t stand the sarky comments.

Music was my first love and it will be my last. And we also have a sort of friends with benefits thing going on.

Kid next door has a vuvuzela. 1st one I’ve heard live. I fear for our native trumpet. It’s grey squirrels all over again

Bathtime. Dull. In my life I must have wasted 4 months bathing, 5 weeks cleaning my teeth, 50 minutes having sex…

One day it’ll be trendy to be seen with the price tags still on your clothes. I just hope that day was this morning.

#adulthalloween prick or teat

I’ve cleaned my iPhone screen but there’s a smudge that won’t budge. It might be on your side. Could you give it a wipe?

I hate the flat-rate 30p charge at train station toilets. Why should I pay the same as someone doing a poo? It’s the poll tax all over again.

For me the greatest mystery in life is how men who aren’t gay or in a relationship buy clothes.

I’m glad the Milky Bar people didn’t go with the ad where he ends up turning the guns on himself.

I’m glad the Milky Bar people didn’t go with the ad where he ends up turning the guns on himself.

There are 2 types of men. Real men and men who find themselves singing “I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me”. I’m category 2.

I hate how people say we Jews are obsessed with money. I tell you if I had a pound for every time I heard that…

Nightmare. Laptop’s got a virus. Dunno how but suspect that Google StreetView visit to Bangkok may be to blame.

Surely it’s better to live in the middle of nowhere than to live on the outskirts.

Men. Got a small penis? Just have its picture taken next to the Ashes trophy.

The Tories are definitely more in touch with ordinary people now. Love the lifting of VAT on cummerbunds.

What to watch? The Matrix or Question Time? A sinister web of illusion and deceit that hides reality, or the Matrix?

Schoolboy football teams now talking about making “England team” errors.

Football fans. Confuse opposing sides by chanting “how are you?” instead of “who are you?”

Please don’t be shocked by Ross Kemp’s 3-book deal. He’s agreed to read 3 books, not write them.

Can anyone tell me where I can download some cool new ringtones for my microwave?

At the Poetry World Cup the New Zealand team always try to intimidate the oppostion by performing the haiku

Running in marathon today. Hope the stewards aren’t confused by my full body and head elite Kenyan athlete costume.

God. When you made Palins you put too much good in Michael and too much bad in Sarah. Balance it out a bit, Lord, eh?

NHS cuts. Men looking for transgender surgery will now simply be told to “man down and lose a pair”.

SPOILER ALERT The twist in Bruce Willis’s new movie “Seventh Sense” is that everyone watching the film is dead.

Wish that Noreply bloke would stop changing his email address.

I love living life on the edge. Of Islington.

My body is a temple. Unfortunately that temple is the Acropolis.

#philosophypop: The tractatus logico-philosophicus of my tears.

Visiting Bangkok red light district? Don’t be fooled by the ladybirds. They look like ladies but underneath they’re birds.

Sign of the times: the world and his wife have just split up.

Feel sorry for the No.2 Ladies’ Detective Agency. No-one really cares…

Listen, energy providers. I won’t switch till one of you has a name which is more fun than singing “I’ve got Npower”.

Latitude update. Poo achieved. So pleased, found myself singing “bowel control to Major Tom”. More details to follow. Its what Twitters for

In Andrew Lloyd Webber’s house love changes everything, including the sheets and the light bulbs.

My greatest fear is that when I die they say his life was very much like a World Cup 3rd place play-off.

Just met a man who picks his nose then transplants the bogey to the other nostril to see if it survives. Surely a genius.

Isn’t it about time Formula 1 abandoned the First Past the Post system #f1

Just to remind you about the Twitter fire drill in 2 mins. We all have to proceed to the car park outside.

Sometimes I worry about making a tasteless joke on the occasion of Gloria Gaynor’s death #iwillsurvive

Not impressed that on Facebook “Exhibtionists” is a closed group. Hypocrites. (Am researching privacy, OK? It’s research)

Sarcasm finally loses lowest-form-of-wit crown to Pretending to Speak like a Mentally Handicapped Person.

Subconscious. When my friend told me the venue for his son’s circumcision why did u get me to thank him “for the tip-off”.

Can’t we decide the election by Bring On The Wall?

In the Ibis hotel in Leeds. I think I’m getting funny looks from the staff because I’m not meeting anyone to have an affair.

Latitude festival latest. Just saw Sebastian Faulkes in the literary tent. The moshpit was incredible.

Latitude update. Poo achieved. So pleased, found myself singing “bowel control to Major Tom”. More details to follow. Its what Twitters for.

Help me out. Is it embarassing to have your dad act out the video of Single Ladies in front of you? Surely not when he nails every move

BNP people. Please reassess your position on asylum seekers. Some of them are actually quite hot.

Just met bloke from my primary school. He’s a lawyer but to me he’ll always be the boy who literally put the poo in pool

It may sound weird NASA bombing the moon but if it’s the only way to bring about regime change I say go for it

Are centaurs hung like a horse?

You may not have it yet as they’re rolling it out slowly but I love Twitter’s new “Who To Block” application.

OK. It’s midnight. I can tweet this. Today an actor told me he masturbated in front of a mirror. Like that’s normal. It’s not, is it? Is it?

Men. Do not take a picture of your penis next to an iPad. People will think it’s an iPhone. You will not look good.

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, auditioning for the circus again.

Can anyone tell me where I can download some cool new ringtones for my microwave?

I guess the sequel Groundhog Day 2 was exactly the same as the first film.

I’m not sure I could ever be friends with anyone who tries to harmonise to the end bit of Happy Birthday.

According to Facebook, St Patrick’s Day is “in a relationship with” International Womens Day. I’m not sure it’ll last.

Government to change rules so the only council home you can remain in for life is 10 Downing Street.

Is the picture to word exchange rate still one thousand?

Accidentally clicked Ctrl +Y in Word. Nothing happened. Maybe it changes something in your life. I’ll wait and see.

I still say singing “showertime” instead of “Hammertime” every morning for 20 yrs doesn’t make me irritating to live with.

1st trip to Globe Theatre. Amazing to think I’m in the actual place where they filmed that episode of Dr Who.

M-People. The equipment required to search for the hero inside yourself would be prohibitively expensive.

Police. Improve your image by changing Stop and Search to Stop and Search and a Kinder egg.

Returned from 25 mile cycle. Jeez, you would not want to be my perineum right now.

Ta for advice on outofdate artichoke hearts. I’m going to risk eating them and film it for my middle-class extreme sports channel on youtube.

#unseenprequels Triassic Park

Wonder if “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” were Nietzsche’s last words

Is fecund the rudest sounding word in the English language that isn’t actually rude?

Asbos to be replaced by reward system for the underprivileged to develop hidden talents. These will be known as Subos.

Saw the new Harry Potter. They’re certainly growing up. Loved the magic circle-jerk scene.

ITV pay-per-view – don’t panic. It just means there are certain programmes on ITV2, 3 & 4 we’ll soon be paid to view

BA strike: union admits the employers do have a case but as usual the baggage handlers have lost it.

Hey subconscious. My family think I’m addicted to Twitter. So ta for making me say I’d take them out as a special tweet.

Already got so much to do today any minute now I’m expecting to see a “Life is Over Capacity” sign.

I see some are worried re ConDem cuts to Olympics budget but I’m excited about the 80 metres, Double Jump and Octathlon.

Re Beyoncé. I wonder what the French verb “beyoncer” actually means.

What sort of dodgy geezer chose hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia as the term for a fear of long words?

I’m on Radio 5 at 2.10 discussing celebs tweeting ads. I’m very against as are the people at Lexus, for affordable luxury.

There’s a small group of us, about 7 in number, who were actually online when Twitter was “Under Capacity”

Stacked plates on drying rack, needed one from the bottom, tried to play drying-rack Jenga. Lost. #idiot

Cat’s done a poo on an RSPCA leaflet. I’m unable to do anything else till I’ve worked out what it’s trying to tell me

I’d never divorce. I’d be too worried I’d get into that whole dangerous Henry VIII divorced-beheaded-die mindset.

Oy! Nightmares! I don’t mind near-death, exams, nakedness, even the sex with Eamonn Holmes but iphone not working? Out of order.

Am I wrong in thinking that anyone who says “chillax” is a bit of a twanker?

Just been rung up by someone asking if I’m happy with my Virgin package. Told him actually I have 2 kids. How we laughed.

In a philosophical mood. Wondering if my life is actually a decades-long episode of Beauty and the Geek.

I’ve just found out I’m not a DILF (fair enough), but neither am I a DILFO (where the O stands for Off). I’ll take that.

Shakira would be a disappointing dinner party guest. She’d do that pelvic spinny thing and then what? Nothing.

Woke up wondering whether they have hilarious stacking accidents in Jenga factories. Oh dear.

It’s a tribute to just how shallow I am that I get a real thrill when an application tells me my password is strong.

Transport and other infrastructure in the Arctic collapses as they suffer a spell of British weather.

It’s great that Obama’s won the Nobel peace prize but my mate Kanye reckons it should’ve gone to Beyonce.

A pinch and a punch, social services are here again.

Ironically, people who work on rollercoasters always compare life to waltzers.

Last night I saw Google Wave slumped over a drink with Friends Reunited. How the mighty have fallen.

Teenage daughter brought a boy home. I gave him a “hip” gangsta handshake and used the word “dude”. Why? WHY?!

Excited. The next series of Life on Mars/Ashes to Ashes is going to be set in Myspace. It’s going to be sooo nostalgic

Ladies. When you tell us men to leave the toilet seat down, what we actually hear is the sound of the vuvuzela.

Agh! Dear Actress I’m Working With. When I offered you a bit of my love bar I meant this.

Ironically, Daley Thompson is hopeless at multi-tasking.

Schools have only just started again and already WHSmith’s put up “Back to Holidays” posters. Cruel.

Social climbers. Want to give your kids a headstart in life? Name them Lord (for a boy) or Lady (for a girl).

I wonder what the Millenium Bug’s up to now. Probably playing the cruise ships…

Ta for advice re if I’m too old to remove shirt whilst cycling. In the end I took the shirt off but kept my bra on.

Just met some very pushy parents. The sort that make their kids stay in and revise for a chlamydia test.

I feel sorry for grapes with seeds. Who’d want them? They are the Roma gypsies of the fruit world.

Bored? Play Shag/Marry/Die with top line of friends on your Facebook profile. Keep refreshing. Endless fun #nowillpower

There’s a small group of us, about 7 in number, who were actually online when Twitter was “Under Capacity”.

Surely the Tories should pass a law allowing us to set up our own Parliaments if we’re not happy with this one.

With all the technology available now you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.

Being told my train will divide in two at the next stop. Just hope it doesn’t do it lengthways.

Off to vote. It’s like tweeting but you’re only allowed 1 character and that has to be an x. It’ll never catch on.

US police reporting brutal envy-driven assault on stars of Glee by cast of High School Musical. Many casualties.

I’m sure that in the original Marvel comic version Supernanny had better powers.

Think you’re good at ffwd’ing the ads at x32 then stopping for the programme? I’ll take you all on.

Can’t find my ipod again. I’ll say one thing for the old days: it was so much harder to mislay one’s phonograph.

Bignosed man just winked at me. Dunno if he knew me from TV or if he’s saying time for us to rise up against the smallnosed

I guess that if I say I’m “with it” it sort of proves I’m not.

I’ve said yes to a radio script without reading it first. I hope there’s no nudity involved…

The Dimblebys. Jonathan and David. Javid. #bbcqt

Friday 13th is the one day of the year when women are allowed to propose to demons.

When I use iPhone Maps I’m always disappointed not to see a huge red ball on a very tall pole when I reach my destination

Ladies. I’ll have you know that manflu is viewed as a virulent, scary disease amongst swine.

Surely Jews will be immune to Swine Flu. Come on pigs – we don’t go for you, so you shouldn’t go for us…

40somethings. Do you still hum the theme to 6 Million Dollar Man if you have to run somewhere? No? Just me?

Aren’t there any intermediate stages of misconduct before “gross”? I’d like to work my way up gradually.

Your tweets may be recorded and used for training purposes.

I’ve been so much tenser about writing my emails since I found out they had a 14,140 character limit.

A few people write their mobile no as 0777 1234567 instead of 07777 123456. I say get the 4-figure-prefixed bastards.

This is true. Post-holiday am waiting on a film pitch and have 99 unread emails. Got 99 emails but the pitch ain’t one

What’s the can-you-repeat cut-off with a shopkeeper you can’t understand b4 you appear racist? Twice? 3 times? Agony!

Didn’t know Betamax brought out a Twitter 2 years ago with 143 characters. Lost a fortune. They just can’t get it right.

Child abuse scandal: Vatican renames Book of Revelations the Book of Everything’s Fine Nothing To Say No Revelations Here

Putting together a “Previously on Twitter” montage tweet for anyone who’s just joined us. It’s proving a challenge.

Fact. 80% of every meeting of the government’s Cobra committee is spent in mutual congratulations about the macho name.

One day it’ll be trendy to be seen with the price tags still on your clothes. I just hope that day was this morning.

Ironically the Chinese diplomat who protested to the US about the Dalai Lama/Obama meet was called Yes Wee Kan #dodgyjoke

Peri-menopausal women. You can get a great deal at Nandos if you’re Peri-Peri-menopausal.

Home Secretary stresses cut in police numbers to be offset by bigger role for crimefighting superheroes such as Batman.

What to watch? The Matrix or Question Time? A sinister web of illusion and deceit that hides reality, or the Matrix?

Kept up all night by 2 snowmen mating. They’re worse than foxes. Jeez!

No!!! Friends want to call their baby Giselle. Nice enough name but what about when people shorten it! Nooo!!!…

Why don’t they spice up the 6 Nations Rugby by making the 6 Nations North Korea, South Korea, Iran, Israel, the US and Mordor

So MJ’s daughter said he was the best Dad in the world. My 2 girls say I am. Someone’s not telling the truth here…

Whatever happened to 70s phenomenon the Bermuda Triangle? It just disappeared. Which seems poetic justice.

Do men have wiles or are they just womanly?

Now know if you feed a man of my age 14 bites of Sag Aloo after 10pm he won’t sleep. It’s like a crap early draft of Gremlins.

I just said “defo” for “definitely”. I’ve packed and am leaving home to avoid bringing further shame to my family.

I don’t have insomnia. I just like getting up to try and catch Woody and the rest of the gang from Toy Story.

More government housing plan chaos over proposal to withdraw the £200 every time you pass Go.

Given that Portsmouth FC is a football club, their accusation that Gaydamak “moved the goalposts” is pretty serious.

The 2010 list of most popular first names for amplifier plugs is out. Top of the list, yet again, is Jack.

Swine flu: technically it’s a Mexican wave in virus form.

Traditional eye test humiliation over. In that chin rest thing my nose impedes the machine. They’re confused, I explain, they blush, I run.

Calls for government to act quicker as British Origami Society complains about too much paperwork

I’m in my hotel room, tweeting. Truly, Twitter is the new porn.

As a boy I’d a dodgy uncle who visited once a year and taught me “Judo holds”. Now I get visited by hay fever. I miss that uncle.

Singing along to Clash “White Riot” till I realised I’ve done that in 5 different decades. I’m off out. I may be some time

Just let online man at Geek Squad remotely take over my laptop and mouse. Felt good at the time but now I feel used

Holidaytime so no tweeting. Be good, play safe and always wear a condom. Nothing to do with sex it just looks good on u

Men. Bored of struggling to get a condom on effortlessly? Simply cut the top of it off. It goes on so much easier

Going to pay some attention to my family. They come in useful if twitter crashes.

Just received a fundraising email about a “sauna-cum-health club”. Are we all comfortable with that?

Dear a woman. Could you tell me where my slippers are? I can’t seem to find them. You’re good at that sort of thing.

Biting satire: decided not to vote BNP despite the lovely sew-on yellow star they sent me. (Yes! Take that!)

Asterisk. *So* proud of you. Years ago you just did footnotes now you’re everywhere. You got a new agent? *claps*.

Twitter update. You can now only unfollow someone by initiating legal proceedings after a trial separation of 6 months.

Angelina. Please now go out with Tom Thumb so you can be Thumbelina. It may impact on your sex life tho.

with the sad passing of Michael Jackson the mantle of King of Pop inevitably passes to Stavros Flatley.

Men. I’ve just discovered that if you really focus it doesn’t actually take that long to tidy the house. Try it.

One advantage of having a big nose is that press-ups are about an inch easier than for the average person

Saddened to hear of the death of Ali Bongo. Sincere condolences to all the Bongos.

learnt on hols: weeing on a jelly fish sting neutralises the pain, but always ask permission first.

My greatest fear is that when I die they say his life was very much like a World Cup 3rd place play-off.

Considering Twitter’s full of men who use the internet I’m amazed how rarely you read “off for a wank”. Or am I following the wrong people?

“Backlog” sounds too rude to be an acceptable word.

National treasures like Alan Bennett and Judy Dench all had to start out as local and then regional treasures.

Ironically, for many years Derren Brown’s mind has been completely controlled by Paul McKenna

Nowhere in my recipe for Sag Aloo did it say “blood of Jew”. Still, my chopping skills are such that’s what they’re getting.

Written scene where the hero’s having sex in a wood with Lindsay Lohan and his mum turns up. Well, they wanted Ice Age 4 to be different…


when did my work/life balance become a work/life/twitter balance?

just to clarify those are my keys in my pocket but I’m still pleased to see you (don’t know where else to put them)

Just measured head circumference for a job. 22″. Tho it’s not size that counts it’s how u use it

I know it’s a standup cliche but these early Back to School ads are cruel. Did they put up Back to War posters in 1932?

Happy New Year Jews! PS lets keep hold of the media.Look what happened last year when we let go of international finance

Copenhagen enviroment summit: suspect the Americans will agree to cut back on emissions by not going to any more summits

In Japan the “Twitter Over Capacity” whale icon is being harpooned by those little birds.

To Sheffield to get stepson’s stuff from uni. Writing that makes me feel as old as Yoda. Who had a stepson at Hull.

Loving Modern Warfare 2. So realistic: the lack of equipment, total absence of political leadership. Love it! #satire

I’m now officially fed up of saying “It’s my default setting”. It’s now no longer my default setting.

I’d be in real trouble if it turns out that the only way you get into heaven is if you can spell “haemoragghing”

Daughter just described Jamie Lee Curtis as “that old woman from Freaky Friday”. May have to take rest of week off.

Why dont the makers of air guitars branch out to other instruments? I’ve seen a saxophone, a couple of drums, that’s it.

If I were leaves I’d stay on the trees this autumn, just to freak people out.

Short men. Wanna feel tall like the guy in Avatar? Paint yourself blue and use a wheelchair-friendly cashpoint. It works.

Tonight, when everyone on LinkedIn is asleep, lets all us Tweeters go round there and really mess the place up, yeah?

Bloke overheard in pub: the financial crisis is so bad even my wankbank needs bailing out…

Who won Children in Need? I went to bed halfway through.

I do worry how Romulus and Remus must have felt if a website ever asked them for their mother’s maiden name.

I think my daughter may have been nobbled by antisemites. She just told me I always smell of coins.

Illness. If my life were a movie, right now is the scene where I run across a beach in slowmo towards a packet of Lemsip

if your own mum says she’s cockhanded instead of cackhanded do u correct her? Don’t think I can afford that much therapy

someone’s organising a gig for people with bipolar disorder. If ever there was a gig that could go either way…

Sometimes I think I’m a bad parent but I am technically half-Austrian so seen like that I’m doing ok.

Amazon. Why have you recommended the book “Overcoming Low Self-Esteem”? I feel like I need it now so in a way, well done.

Just got back from walk past a stream. I saw some ducklings. One of them was dead ugly. Gave me an idea for a story.

Number of tweets in your profile gone down? Twitter now ignores tweets about hangovers, being on a train and “back later”.

I don’t believe it! Why is my 2-month old kettle already broken? It cost me £1.99, that!

liking new mattress that shapes itself to the body. Not sleeping better but I’ve made the Nile Delta, the Olympic torch and an ostrich.

I worry “Made in the 90s” T-shirt we gave teenage daughter for her b-day may cause trauma if she thinks about it too much

A pinch and a punch, and social services are called out. It’s PC gone mad. Happy Dec 1st.

Is there a “double-take” emoticon. I miss that when writing. Not sure I’m happy with ::))

Just bumped into MC Hammer and asked him the time. Disappointingly he said 6.36.

#disturbingthoughts I wonder if Santa is circumcised.

Turkeys fleeing America for Thanksgiving! Come to the UK! We’ll grant you asylum. You’ll be safe here. (Mwahaha)

Sometimes feel signing off to males with an x is a bit like a playful e-squeeze of the balls, but how else to end? Dx

Never mind waterboarding, I can’t even last 5 seconds gargling with Listerine.

Ever been so tired you’re too tired to go to bed. It’s like lapping yourself

Birthday today. Agh. Decided I’m not 46, I’m actually two 23 year olds, one of whom’s called Jessica.

Those tins of chopped tomato. They really act like that they’re it, like we just can’t cope without them. (Just me?)

Off to Edinburgh on holiday. Burglars don’t get excited. MacCaulay Culkin is looking after our house.

Bad night sleep. On phone to God to complain and tho “my call is important” all I get is hold music. Bloody archangels

Teenage daughter thinks she has swine flu. She has no symptoms but her room’s a complete pigsty so you never know.

Just had to go on Friends Reunited. It was all black and white and everyone was friendly and left their front doors open

Shakira would be a disappointing dinner party guest. She’d do that pelvic spinny thing and then what? Nothing.

Hartlestone Palmer Krieger Conway and Bickerstaff Solicitors are very keen to sponsor all my tweets but to be honest I don’t think it’ll wor

Men, help me out. What sort of crazy person tidies and puts the DVD remote NEXT to the DVD player. How was I meant to find it there?

Daughter just saw sign for “Fishmonger”. Asked how you mong fish. – I’m getting the hell out of here…

My wierdest date (true story) – with a sword swallower. Spent whole evening trying not to say “do you swallow”? Failed.

Found Entertaining Mr Sloane script from when I was 20. In the margin: “Don’t overact. Eyebrows still”. Advice which still holds today.

After years of service See What I Did There is retiring from my vocabulary. It’s place’s been taken by What’s Not To Like

Slight accent mix-up. Thought producer talking re a “flirtation tank”. Interesting tho. May work on some designs…

Can you believe the old upside down writing on a calculator still impresses the kids? To my kids I’m Derren Brown

Bored doing Tesco shop online. Why can’t they have playlists like Spotify then I could order Pauline Quirk’s or Adamski’s

Ta for female starkbollock nakeds. Top-bollock naked, no-bollock naked work for me. Stark clitty naked also appeals. As a phrase I mean.

English language. Sort out the crutch/crotch, incest/incense thing. I keep getting them wrong. The legal bills are killing

Shocked to hear about Miss California’s nude pics. It’s totally inappropriate, disgraceful and does anyone have the link

Not saying my kids are middle class but Nandos in Islington ran out of chips so served halloumi and they didn’t complain

  1. @dotn09 says:

    Awesome list… Keep up the good tweets people! 🙂

  2. I haven’t laughed so much since I read a few quotes from Tim Vine….. Genuinely enjoyed reading them all.

  3. Emma Bryant says:

    Absolutley brillant. Such a great read!

  4. I am currently reading it on my Blackberry and will scan it once I get home. I love your site and marketing strategy. Check out my website if you get a chance, just click on name. (I don’t want to leave a link, it looks too spammy)

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