Rabbi David Schneider’s Weekly Words of Wisdom 11: Tsav

tsav(Leviticus 6 – 8 )

In this week’s parsha, we read how it was the priest’s job to remove the ashes that had built up overnight from the altar. It seems like a menial task but the priests, the loftiest members of the Israelite community still did it. Imagine Lord Winston in yellow rubber gloves taking out a bin bag which is leaking a bit so he has to hold it away from him and therefore ends up mincing slightly. That’s exactly the image this parsha’s trying to convey. It reminds us that a lord isn’t necessarily better than a dustbin man, that a Rabbi isn’t necessarily better than a caretaker. Though mostly he is. (more…)

Uncle Max goes to the dentist

Here’s an episode from the first series of Uncle Max. I had to eat masses of chocolate for one scene. About 3 huge bars worth. Then wash it down with acres of tomato ketchup. Ah, the sacrifices we make for comedy…
Anyway, series 1 of Uncle Max is now available on DVD, as they say. When they’re trying to sell their DVDs…

Uncle Max goes to the dentist from David Schneider on Vimeo.

Bookshelf breakdown

bookshelvesI’ve finally decided to put up some bookshelves in my living room. It’s not been an easy decision. We may not judge a book by a cover, but we certainly judge a reader by their books. Look around you on any bus or train. We would never sit there holding up a sign saying “Lost and lonely. Believes in aliens” or “Frustrated male. Works out in gym”, but that’s exactly what we’re doing when we’re seen reading “Scientology and You” or “Andy McNab’s Top Ten Ways to Really Hurt a Man”. (more…)

Rabbi David Schneider’s Weekly Words of Wisdom 12: Shemini

shemini(Leviticus 9 – 11)

The time: First day of Nissan, one year to the day after the Exodus.

The place: Sinai.

As the Children of Israel stand full of awe before Moses, who’s about to share with them the laws of kashrus (what you can and can’t eat), Nadab and Abihu, two sons of Aaron, offer up something unprescribed on the altar of the L-rd and are struck dead by a fire from on high.

The time: the present, 3287 years later.

The place: North London.

As the readers of the Jewish Chronicle stand full of awe before another of Rabbi Schneider’s inspirational dissections of the week’s parsha, a certain Rabbi F sends round an abusive email claiming that I’m mentally unstable and that in the past few months I’ve been served four injunctions and been cautioned by the police on no less than five occasions.

It’s not hard to see the similarities between these two events. Plus ca change, as we say in Yiddish. (more…)

Rabbi David Schneider’s Weekly Words of Wisdom 13: Tazria

It's a massive sin to say bad things about me

(Leviticus 12-13)

You don’t have to be Joseph from the Bible or Andrew Lloyd Webber to know that dreams can be really weird. The other night, I dreamt I had this huge lulav, and Rabbi F and the honorary officers of the synagogue and the editor of the Jewish Chronicle had these tiny lulavs and my wife’s lover the builder who’s a woman had no lulav at all, just a tiny esrog, and I went round knocking everyone over with my huge, massive lulav, and my wife kneeled down before my lulav and worshipped it. (more…)

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