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Jokes bomb

David — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 16:35:23 +0000

Do Islam4UK have a catch Phones4U hand mime?

This week I tweeted a couple of jokes about the extremist group Islam4UK. Did Islam4UK have a little hand gesture routine like their sister company Phones4U? And how glad I was the government had ignored the suggestion to rename them Islam 4 – UK 5. There’s nothing particularly brave or satirical about these jokes. They’re basically just having a go at the group’s media-friendly name which is remarkably “does what it says on the tin” for an extremist organisation. If they wanted to have a covert agenda then they’ve blown it. Frankly, I don’t hold out much hope of success for their splinter group Bombs4UKOlympicson8thAugust2012.

Of course there’s a danger in making such jokes. If I’m going to offend someone with a joke, I want to make sure I’m offending the right people. Which, unless I’m fearless (I’m not) means: not people who may want to kill me. Is it OK, for instance, to joke about the problem of recruiting Muslims from Britain as suicide bombers because they’re worried the virgins in heaven will be Susan Boyle and Anne Widdecombe? Again, nothing edgy about this (plus I’m basically insulting 2 women who happen to look not so pretty. Which opens up other dodgy issues). But I suspect there’s a reticence amongst some comics to have a go at Muslim fundamentalism (Christians are quick to point out we have no such fears about laughing at them).

Omid Djalili in the Infidel. I play a Jew in the film. It was a challenge.

Shouldn’t we be bolder? David Baddiel explores putting the funny into, er, funnydamentalism in his new film The Infidel, whilst Chris Morris’ upcoming film on Islamic extremism should definitely put a cat amongst the pigeons. Probably one wearing a belt full of explosives.

The other reason to avoid such jokes is loss of life. Was it right to add that last sentence to the previous paragraph? After all, people get killed in suicide bomb attacks. Though isn’t that’s one of the reasons why people want to joke about it. The greater the fear, ther greater the taboo, the funnier a joke can be. But we still have to know what we’re doing. Islam4UK were banned after trying to organise a march through Wootton Bassett, the village that soldiers killed in combat are flown back to. And I’ll share this with you, dear blogreader/bleader/whatever the term is, I heard jokes being discussed about the Islam4UK march being attacked by villagers with tea and sandwiches or tombola prizes strapped to their bodies but I don’t think such jokes justify the bad taste. They’re not targetted at the right people, they don’t clearly attack the bad guys.

A terrifying satire about Bono's approval of China's approach to the internet

You have to be careful about targets in satire (though anything attacking Bono is always justified). Recently, I wanted to send up Conservative plans to rely more on charity and the voluntary sector by getting my picture wizard Ross to mock up a pic of some soldiers in tabards saying “British Army” as chuggers, charity collecting on a high street (You see? Satire! How the Tories would have winced!). I found a picture online that would have been perfect but then realised it was of a soldier who’d been shot in Afghanistan. Was the point I would be trying to make with the joke worth that (unintentional) lack of respect? To use a terrible, wrong phrase which in its wrongness flags up the whole difficult issue of comedy and taste – it’s a minefield.

With thanks to @C_Littlebug, @ross_owen for the pics and @Scriblit for virgin inspiration.

Jokes bomb is a post from: David Schneider's website

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5 Terms in English Slang Everyone Should Know

David — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 12:19:57 +0000

Here’s a thing I did with Canadian internet genius TremendousNews (not his real name). You can follow him on Twitter here.

Tremendousnews, over to you…

Of all the fallen empires, I like England the most.

Athens, Rome? Kind of hot.

Mongolia?

Please.

It’s England. I holidayed there a few years ago. Alone, of course.

I wandered the streets of London, from pub to pub. Eating jacket potatoes and taking in the culture.

Trying to totally do English chicks.

But when I struck out with them, I noticed something.

They were speaking some jacked-up language.

Slang terms, everything was slang.

Look, I like English people, I just wish they spoke more English.

Recently, I made a new friend. His name is David Schneider. He is a British comedian and actor.

He’s joined me today to explain some bits of English slang.

You can follow David Schneider on Twitter here.

: Schneider wearing his top hat to the mall. Typical English.

Here’s David Schneider explaining five terms in English slang everyone needs to know.

1. Arse-over-tits

David: This is used to refer to someone who falls over: “That 90 year old woman fell arse-over-tits, shattering her hip in 16 places and lacerating her face, arms and legs. It was funny”.

You cannot deliberately go arse-over-tits, as in “The Russian gymnast did a double-piked somersault followed by a triple arse-over-tits”, though it can be used of men as well, especially fat lads with moobs.

Me: I’ve had many arse-over-tits experiences. Like the time I went to the club and the song “Barbie Girl” by Aqua came on. I went to dance next to this super hot chick and then slipped on glass. My arse was like so totally over my tits right there? It was crazy. Despite that, I ended up doing her.

Do you believe that, Schneider?

Lie to me and tell me you believe that.

2. Bob’s Your Uncle.

David: A sort of magical revelation, the equivalent of the French “Voila!”. As in: “Just stay in your armchair, eat lots of burgers and take lots of drugs and – Bob’s Your Uncle! – you’re a fat Elvis!”

It’s not so successful in sentences like “Your father just explained that that man Robert was his brother and – Bob’s Your Uncle! – Bob’s your uncle”.

Me: We should use this more in North America. But due to political correctness we’d have to say “Bob’s your Uncle and/or Aunt”. Because Bob could be both due to the advent of new surgical procedures.

God! Bob’s such a douche.

3. Slapper.

David: A slapper is a promiscuous woman. As in “Truth be told, Mother Theresa was a right slapper” – “right” in this case meaning “really significant” rather than she would only sleep (around) on the right side of the bed.

You can also call someone a “slag”, “sket” or “Lindsay Lohan”.

The male equivalent of a slapper is something like “stud” as in “Well done, you’ve slept around, I admire you, you stud”.

Me: I like “slapper” better than “slut” or “whore”. But I think I speak for all guys when I say, where can we find said individuals?

4. Up the Duff.

David: The medical term for “pregnant”, as in “Congratulations, Your Majesty, you’re up the duff”. Of course the Queen is well into the menopause now so she can’t get “banged up” or “have a bun in the oven”.

Nor will you hear anyone saying “Her Majesty is on the blob at the moment”, referring to Her Royal Period.

Though she was so loved in her younger days that, when she menstruated, every woman in the country shared her cycle.

Me: On the blob!

Ha.

That’s so hilariously gross and disgusting that I can feel dozens of my female readers quivering with nausea.

Just know that this term is in Schneider’s lexicon and I would never use a term like that.

And if you don’t believe, you’re probably on the blob.

5. Bollocks!

David: The male testicles (as in “The pope kicked me in the bollocks”), but also an expression of dismissive contempt. (“N’sync made the best music of the 20thcentury” – “Bollocks!”).

However “the dog’s bollocks!” actually means “brilliant” (as does “the bee’s knees!”, which, scientists have discovered, are actually made of dogs bollocks).

For instance: “The cat’s testicles I ate in China were the dog’s bollocks!”

Me: Check this out, Schneider. I can make everyone reading this say “bollocks” in their mind. Watch.

Tremendous News is the most important blog on the Internet.

…

See?

They said it.

–

There you have it. I want to thank David Schneider for helping explain British slang.

Stay tuned, and we’ll have 5 more terms for you soon.

You’ll go arse-over-tits reading it.

You can follow TremendousNews on Twitter here.

(With thanks for help to @MandyPandy32)

5 Terms in English Slang Everyone Should Know is a post from: David Schneider's website

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Big Brother: crouching tiger, breaking wind…

David — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 13:24:24 +0000

Katia and Basshunter: will we have to call them Kunter?

WARNING, KIDS AND MY MUM. This blog contains moderate swearing and moderate ideas of an adult nature.

I’m surprised that people who hate Big Brother haven’t yet set up a campaign to have us spend several weeks watching the goings-on inside the Rage Against the Machine house.

I’m not one of those people. I love it. For many years I’ve defended it: it’s not dumbing down, some of the dialogue is worthy of Beckett, the situations worthy of Chekhov (the writer, not the bloke who steers the Starship Enterprise). Just look, for example, at Katia and Basshunter playing Fart Tennis (who can forget Gielgud and Olivier in the wonderful Fart Tennis scene in The Cherry Orchard?). OK, maybe not that. But other bits are dramatic and comedic gold.

For me, Basshunter is one of the two stars of the show so far. Here’s a man who wants to be a role model for teenage boys. Which I’m sure he is if you’re aspiring to masturbate 25 times in one day, as he confessed to doing (surely by the end of the day he’d just be ejaculating dust and some feathers). Maybe it was something to do with his Tourettes; maybe in a strange example of autosuggestion he would involuntarily shout “wank!” 25 times a day then feel he had to do as he’d said.

But do we really want our youngsters to subscribe to the theory that hairy arses muffle the farts or, whilst we’re on the subject, to find nothing more arousing than a woman farting (“I’ve got a hard-on”, the smooth-talker confessed when Katya first let rip)? No wonder he’s been nicknamed B. Asshunter – I just worry what he does once he’s hunted them down.

As for Katya, we’ve heard more from her arse than from her mouth. The former girlfriend of 174 year old Ronnie Wood – a man whose face is so wrinkly it looks like it’s made out of Heidi Fleiss’s lips – she’s clearly a woman who goes for looks. Still, romance is what we want in Big Brother, though if Kat and Basshunter get together, will we really have to call them Kunter?

Passive praying can damage your health.

Stephen Baldwin is the other star of the show. If you like your preachers with a touch of axe-man-standing-over-your-bed-in-the-middle-of-the-night, then Stephen’s your man. I actually thought about asking to go into the House this year (I’ve got the right level of inverted commas to apply to the word “celebrity”), but seeing him I’m glad I didn’t. It’s great he’s allowed to read his bible for an hour a day (Sisqo’s allowed to read the lyrics of the Thong Song for an hour a day), but I couldn’t bear the preaching. I’m sure Heidi, a woman who looks like she applies her lipstick with a lawnmower, will soon get him to practice what he preaches and crucify him. I can’t help thinking they should create a praying area in the garden, next to the smoking bench. No-one should have to inhale other people’s prayers.

It’ll be interesting to see how Stephen’s “platonic” crush on Stephanie Beacham develops. She disturbs me – there’s something vaguely Benjamin Button going on there. She’s 80 with the skin of a 21 year old farting ex-Rock’n'Roll WAG.

Other housemates are also available and there’s much to look forward to: Dane Bowers and Alex Reid (who only keeps his top on if the role really demands it) competing in a Katie Price Foreplay memory task and I’m sure we can expect a surprise visit from Nicola T’s husband, Mr.T. We might even find out where Lady Sovereign has buried Mel C whose face she’s clearly stolen.

Bring it on!

With thanks to @stanandollie for the pictures.

Big Brother: crouching tiger, breaking wind… is a post from: David Schneider's website

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Dr Who and the 11th Regeneration of the Queen Mum

David — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 09:31:24 +0000

The Queen can't hide her disappointment at the 11th Queen Mother, Matt Smith

For an hour and 15 minutes yesterday, Twitter in the UK went silent as the country respectfully witnessed the passing of the much-loved 10th Doctor. The event had a lot in common with the death of the Queen Mother (like the Doctor, she was 905 when she passed), or even the death of Diana. In fact Mohamed al Fayed has already demanded an enquiry into the suspicious circumstances of the Doctor’s regeneration. Truly, David Tennant was the Doctor of People’s Hearts (both of them).

Twitter, who’d shouted so loud and irreverently at the passing of Michael Jackson, removed her cap and bowed her head in respect (Oh my God. I clearly think Twitter’s a girl). There was much tweeting of “Shh!” and calls for respect before the show started. For the first time on Twitter I didn’t dare tweet a sarky comment for fear of having my passport revoked (writer Emma Kennedy found herself in the middle of World War Who when she dared to slag off the show and – heaven help us – David Tennant’s sex appeal whilst it was on).

Cribbins is actually 3 inches tall. CGI was used to make him look normal height.

In case you missed the show it was basically about John Simm and the rest of the population of the Earth turning into Simon Pegg until Timothy Dalton came along wearing some thick red curtains (as a Time Lord with the whole of space and time available to him, he could have surely chosen something a bit better). Bernard Cribbins was an undoubted highlight, doing his best acting since he was Hornby-sized in the 70s advert (one for the 40-somethings there. If you don’t know it here it is – it was the Avatar of its time.) By the end of the show us regular Whoniks were reduced to tears. Mostly by the sight of Matt Smith (Give him a chance, OK?!).

The BBC plans a raunchy new Dr Who spin-off series starring Tiger Woods

There had definitely been a danger of overkill over the holidays. Using the same technology for OmniTennant appearances as Santa uses to get presents to all the children on Christmas night, David T was everywhere. It turns out that at the Copenhagen conference on climate change, the UK had reluctantly agreed to a 40% reduction in David Tennant programmes by 2020. I was worried with the Christmas episode that Dr Who had overstretched itself (he should never have jumped that Sontaran shark). But some great performances, a plot you could almost follow and the lap of honour in the last 20 minutes which rewarded us fans by pissing off newcomers brought it round. We were left with only one question on our lips: just how much did Billie Piper ask for that appearance.

Now all we have to do is wait for Matt Smith’s 1st episode – the one where he takes on the Cyniks.

With thanks to @stanandollie for the pics

Dr Who and the 11th Regeneration of the Queen Mum is a post from: David Schneider's website

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The Bitterish Comedy Awards

David — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 09:13:43 +0000

The funniest man in Britain. And Harry Hill. (How dare I even make that joke?)

I was at the British Comedy Awards on Saturday night. Compared to other years, it was pretty mild (I was there when Julian Clary joked that he’d been fisting the chancellor Norman Lamont, a joke which led to his career being awarded to Paul O’Grady). The only real surprise was that Ryan Giggs didn’t win anything. Still, there was the usual amont of quality bitterness. It can only be a matter of time before they feed some poor victim to the baying comic masses by including a Lifetime Lack of Achievement Award (hope I don’t get a nom for that one). Here are some thoughts, a couple of jokes and some padding…

BEST LIFT AWARD – one of the highlights of the Awards is the lift you get from reception to the studio when you first arrive. The idea is to get in a lift which, if it burst into flames, would inflict a loss on British comedy so severe they’d be forced to show repeats of “Allo Allo” for a generation. This year’s haul was Griff Rhys Jones, Keith Allen and Frankie Boyle. Not too bad. I suspect if we’d been stuck there for days Frankie and Keith would have eaten me by Day 3.

MOST SHOCKING JOKE: This was the first year (I think) that the Comedy Awards weren’t going out totally live but were subject to a 15 minute delay known as Andrew Sachs Time. Which I think encouraged my liftmucker Frankie Boyle to really go for it, comparing the unusual award-announcing combination of Pamela Anderson and Vivienne Westwood to a before and after advert. That bit went out. The bit he added (what it was before and after) didn’t. Some people on my table thought he meant to say “HRT” but I think he knew exactly which 3 letters he wanted to say.

PERSONAL HIGHLIGHT: Lee Majors. The Six Million Dollar Man. I still sing the theme tune to myself when I’m running, convinced it will make me go faster. I loved Harry Hill’s impression and Lee Majors’ face as he did it. He just had to suffer something he’d suffered thousands of times, like the guy I once worked with called Anil Rash. To us, though, it was hilarious and a one-off. How we laughed!

MISSED TV TRICK OF THE NIGHT: What?! They didn’t show us the faces of the gutted kids when Charlie Brooker won (I’ve already banged on about this here). Ross and Brand have a lot to answer for.

THE GOODY BAG: No $20,000 earrings or jewel-encrusted condoms (actually not that practical idea come to think about it), but there was a Pocket Guide to Dubai (“Sale. Everything Must Go!”?), a Bowel Cancer foam bum (thank God they didn’t go with a brown ribbon) and a Tunnocks Caramel bar. Ambassador, wiz zees Maryland Mini Cookies you are spoileeeng us.

GENEROSITY SHOCK: Mayan mythology tells that once every 2 or 3000 years a roomful of bitter comedians will actually feel unsullied warmth and generosity for one of their number. It happened with Graham Linehan’s award. For a moment, we all felt pure pleasure for a lovely and talented bloke. In the aftermath, confusion and sickness reigned – it was like just after everyone blacked out in FlashForward: what happened? What were those strange emotions? Quickly, someone made a joke about James Corden and normal bitterness was soon restored.

And one final thought…

MICHAEL McINTYRE: Let’s be clear. He’s a nice bloke who makes a lot of people laugh. He is not Joseph Fritzl. Although he did share a lift with him on the way to the studio.

Thanks to @2muchcoffeekate for the Ferrero Rocher gag.

The Bitterish Comedy Awards is a post from: David Schneider's website

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