Futureman. Is that a Jewish name?

Here’s a thing I wrote for the Jewish Quarterly.

Future Rabbi?

Congratulate me. I’ve just written a whole sheet of A4 by pen. After years of computercentricity it felt weird, foreign, as unwelcome a throwback to the 1980s as news that The Tweets have reformed so we can hear the “Birdie Song” live again (ah, “The Tweets”. Now there’s a name that finally has meaning in this social network age). As I heaved the pen clumsily across the paper, sweat pouring from my brow, Repetitive Strain Injury gathering in my freaked-out forearm, I felt like a man trying to plough a field with a… well, with a pen. (more…)

Clegg’s new look/Where’s Cleggy?

I’m liking the proposed new look for Nick Clegg’s front bench return.

And if you were wondering where he was during Cameron’s Euro-statement, then why not play Where’s Cleggy?

with thanks to chigwiri.com

Who put the euro in David Cameuron?

Cameron's new economic adviser

I’d have more sympathy for Eurosceptics if they had a more positive-sounding name, something like WorldBankingSystemCollapsophiles. You have to admire their determination that the important thing now is to be able to decide for ourselves how straight our bananas are (insert own euromyth here), even if the ensuing financial collapse means we have to pay for those bananas using a barter system (1 banana = 3 shiny pebbles and my sister doing a dance for you).So off to Brussels Cameron goes, with the Tory right asking him to show some “bulldog spirit”, which I presume means returning with a deal which guarantees us 20 millions tons of Chum and a squeaky cat toy for every citizen. (more…)

Euros 2012 draw (amended)

In case you’ve not seen it, the draw for the Euros as it will be once the EU accepts the Sarkozy/Merkel plan for closer integration makes interesting reading.

 With thanks to chigwiri.com

Britain’s Got Racists

The judges (all white) lap up the Croydon Tram routine

Racist ranting: it’s the new craze that’s sweeping the nation. You can even get £250 if you send in a video to the BBC and it gets used on You’ve Been Racially Abused. I’ve just seen the “Second Racist Rant” (I’ve posted it below) and it’s absolutely shocking, especially if you’ve seen the first racist rant (the one on the tram). I mean, where’s the kid on her lap? She’s a complete amateur! (more…)

Blatters to deceive

Some of my best friends are Sepp Blatter

It was quite a day for fans of colour-based prejudice in football yesterday. First you had the draw for the next round of matches inthe Alleged Racism Cup (John Terry will take on Patrice Evra, while Suarez is away to Anton Ferdinand) . Then Sepp Blatter managed to horrify all supporters of the Kick Racism Out campaign by launching his own Kick Racism Back In campaign. (more…)

What happens in Vegas…

Me in Vegas

Here’s a thing I wrote for The Independent

I’m not a gambling man. My poker face is about as enigmatic as a Latin American football commentator celebrating a goal, and as for slot machines, I’m with British Gas – if I want to lose a ton of money just by pushing a button I can switch on a light. Still, there’s always been part of me – the part that’s presently enjoying box-sets of the “Sopranos” – that’s envied men who play poker in smoke-filled rooms, real men with big hands who talk about boxing. Maybe I’ve been missing out? So when I was offered the chance to visit Las Vegas for the first time, I jumped at it. Could this be the making of me? (more…)

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