You don’t have to be Joseph from the Bible or Andrew Lloyd Webber to know that dreams can be really weird. The other night, I dreamt I had this huge lulav, and Rabbi F and the honorary officers of the synagogue and the editor of the Jewish Chronicle had these tiny lulavs and my wife’s lover the builder who’s a woman had no lulav at all, just a tiny esrog, and I went round knocking everyone over with my huge, massive lulav, and my wife kneeled down before my lulav and worshipped it. (more…)
First of all, I must apologise for last week’s article. I personally don’t feel I need to, but our glorious comrade leader Herr Editor feels I “must”. So I’m very sorry if some of the things I wrote may have been interpreted as offensive and distasteful by certain empty-headed, easily offended, dimwitted morons who like to read the JC while eating and found that reading about a harmless, hideous, leprous-like skin disease which is making my life a living gehenem put them off some extortionately expensive pastry that’s probably full of seafood and sweetened with concentrated pig.
There. A full and frank apology. Happy now?
On then to this week’s parsha, (more…)
First there was Saturday Night Armistice, then came Friday Night Armistice – being earlier and funnier by 24 hours. This is the first episode of that series from 1996. There were jokes about Ulster and football and a Tory government (so some of those may well come in useful). There was also a very young Al Murray and Sue Perkins.
When Hillel was asked to sum up the Torah whilst standing on one foot, he famously replied: “That’s not a good idea. I’ve got a veruka”.
I’m joking, of course. (Top tip for budding rabbis: always start a sermon with a joke, even if you risk implying that hygiene standards in mikvahs of the Talmudic period were dangerously low). (more…)
Some funny gags here, but mainly interesting to see just how much things have changed and to play Spot the Omid Djalili…
The Armistice on Europe, back in 1996. Still topical? I think so…
Earlier on this week I was discussing the parsha with my friend and colleague, Rabbi Shlomo. “We should note”, he said, “that ‘moed’ (festival) comes from ‘vaad’ (meeting), for is not every festival really just a meeting with G-d?” All very interesting until you remember that Rabbi Shlomo is in fact a spider who’s made a web in the corner of the synagogue store cupboard which has been my home for several weeks, a home I now have to share with twelve papier mache golden calfs made by the cheder children, plus the deflated shell of a bouncy castle which the honorary officers, in their wisdom, have purchased for weddings, barmitsvahs and other occasions. (I have at least managed to ensure that the bouncy castle has a mechitzah, so that males and females can bounce with modesty in separate sections). (more…)