Rabbi David Schneider’s Weekly Words of Wisdom 13: Tazria

It's a massive sin to say bad things about me

(Leviticus 12-13)

You don’t have to be Joseph from the Bible or Andrew Lloyd Webber to know that dreams can be really weird. The other night, I dreamt I had this huge lulav, and Rabbi F and the honorary officers of the synagogue and the editor of the Jewish Chronicle had these tiny lulavs and my wife’s lover the builder who’s a woman had no lulav at all, just a tiny esrog, and I went round knocking everyone over with my huge, massive lulav, and my wife kneeled down before my lulav and worshipped it. (more…)

Rabbi David Schneider’s Weekly Words of Wisdom 14: Acharei Mos

achareimot042(Leviticus 16-18)

First of all, I must apologise for last week’s article. I personally don’t feel I need to, but our glorious comrade leader Herr Editor feels I “must”. So I’m very sorry if some of the things I wrote may have been interpreted as offensive and distasteful by certain empty-headed, easily offended, dimwitted morons who like to read the JC while eating and found that reading about a harmless, hideous, leprous-like skin disease which is making my life a living gehenem put them off some extortionately expensive pastry that’s probably full of seafood and sweetened with concentrated pig.

There. A full and frank apology. Happy now?

On then to this week’s parsha, (more…)

Friday Night Armistice episode 1

First there was Saturday Night Armistice, then came Friday Night Armistice – being earlier and funnier by 24 hours. This is the first episode of that series from 1996. There were jokes about Ulster and football and a Tory government (so some of those may well come in useful). There was also a very young Al Murray and Sue Perkins.

Rabbi David Schneider’s Weekly Words of Wisdom 15: Kedoshim

moses_prayer419x600

(Leviticus 19-20)

When Hillel was asked to sum up the Torah whilst standing on one foot, he famously replied: “That’s not a good idea. I’ve got a veruka”.

I’m joking, of course. (Top tip for budding rabbis: always start a sermon with a joke, even if you risk implying that hygiene standards in mikvahs of the Talmudic period were dangerously low). (more…)

The Friday Night Armistice: Iraq

Some funny gags here, but mainly interesting to see just how much things have changed and to play Spot the Omid Djalili…

The Friday Night Armistice: Euro-invasion

The Armistice on Europe, back in 1996. Still topical? I think so…

Rabbi David Schneider’s Weekly Words of Wisdom 16: Emor

jewish4(Leviticus 21-24)

Earlier on this week I was discussing the parsha with my friend and colleague, Rabbi Shlomo. “We should note”, he said, “that ‘moed’ (festival) comes from ‘vaad’ (meeting), for is not every festival really just a meeting with G-d?” All very interesting until you remember that Rabbi Shlomo is in fact a spider who’s made a web in the corner of the synagogue store cupboard which has been my home for several weeks, a home I now have to share with twelve papier mache golden calfs made by the cheder children, plus the deflated shell of a bouncy castle which the honorary officers, in their wisdom, have purchased for weddings, barmitsvahs and other occasions. (I have at least managed to ensure that the bouncy castle has a mechitzah, so that males and females can bounce with modesty in separate sections). (more…)

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